My Other Half

20th February 2012

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I fucking hate teachers.

so last Friday at school I start to have an anxiety attack in class so I ask my teacher to go to the nurse and she says hurry up. So I go to the nurse and ask for ice to squeeze since it relieves stress and helps me with anxiety. At first she refuses to give me ice because I don’t have any bruises on me and I didn’t do anything to hurt myself? K bitch fuck you. So finally I tell her I need it for my anxiety and she finally agrees to it. I walk off and tell my really good friend to meet me by my locker because at this point it’s bad the the fucking nurse made it worse so he meets me. I’m like crying and can’t breathe and the school attendance lady starts to yell at us to get back to class. And she walks off. We slowly start to walk back to class and she comes out of nowhere again and starts bitchin at me about how I need to be in class, while I’m pretty much hyperventilating and sobbing. Since I don’t walk back to class fast enough she writes me up for a two hour Friday study (detention). Fuck you bitch. Fuck you. If I killed myself later that night I would have made sure you felt guilty. Fucking selfish adults.

18th February 2012

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4 am thoughts…

going to just get some feelings out. Doubt anyone will read this but just warning you if you do you might die from boredom.
Okay don’t say I didn’t warn you.
My boyfriend of about 7 months broke up with me about two or three months ago because he believed my eating disorder was completely and my fault and I refused to get help because I enjoyed the attention to him? Okay. Anyways he broke up with me and that wasn’t too hard because not only had we stopped being intimate, but I knew he wasn’t that special or anything so the break up wasn’t too bad.
The next month I go Christmas shopping with my two good guy friends. One of them I’ve been friends with since 8th grade. Were good friends but we never really talked about life in depth or what’s going on in mine or his. And the fact that we were in high school and life got different and fast pace put a strain on our relationship so we vaguely drifted apart. Anyways he asked me how I was doing and I lied and said good even though this eating problem at the time was killing me inside because it was during the holidays. But then it’s like he knew how sad, depressed, weak I felt and he decided to open up to me and tell me he was in a treatment center in the beginning of the year. My mouth dropped. Then I asked why and he told me his parents walked in on his trying to slit his throat open and then he lift up his sleeves for me and showed me his scars. I was in shock. This was in December when he told me and he went to this treatment center for suicide attempt in September. I had nooooooooo idea. He kept asking “you didn’t hear it was going
around school?” I’m like nooooooooo? And I felt so bad for him. Not to mention two weeks after
he got out of the center he went to the woods a couple blocks from his house and tried to kill
himself again by shoving sticks down his throat
I decided to open up to him. I usually don’t tell anyone shit because most people I know don’t
relate to me well and would be like what the fuck you’re messed up. So I open up to him.
I tell him about my cutting, eating disorder, depression, suicide thoughts, my extreme suicide
thoughts in 7th grade, and I open up. From then on he starts to text me everyday to ask me how
I’m doing and starts to help me and at first it started to feel so good to know someone finally
actually cared. But then he started to care to much. He got too involved. He was pressuring me
into help or else telling my parents for me to get help. I wasn’t fucking ready for that. So what did
I do? I lied. He thinks my parents know about my eating, and that I’m going through ‘recovery’.
Ha. Yah…and also thinks I’m done cutting. It hurts that I’m lying but it’s the only way I can protect
this shit which is absolutely disgusting. OHHH. I forgot to mention that I’ve fallen so fucking had
for him. I’m falling in love with him. I’m falling in love with the feeling of finally being cared for. And
not to mention about two weeks ago we were at a party and decided to get intimate…but since we
were partially intoxicated it was expected? Yeah just pulled me in worse and I hate it. So yes. I
currently have so many feelings for him. Until yesterday. He decides to show our entire lunch table this ‘beautiful’ girl he’s talking to. As in they are ‘tiffin it’ or ‘have a thing’. Yah fucking fuck my fucking mother fucking life.
Okay in all honestly he didn’t know I have these feelings but still. I obviously stalked her on Facebook and saw that not only is she beautiful (I’m not) but she’s beautifully SKINNY. and I’m this fat cow. Hmm. It all makes sense now. So right now it’s almost five am and I’m sitting in bed crying because I just want to feel something. I want to feel some love.
Okay I’m done with my rant. Sorry to any of you who read. Hahaha who am I kidding no one did. Okay goodnight.

16th February 2012

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I know an eating disorder doesn’t happen overnight but I can remember the exact day I actually looked at myself and felt completely disgusted.